Coping with loss
It happened again. Another month had gone by with no cycle and no signs of pregnancy. At the time, I had no clue what was happening. I later learned that my PCOS, contributed to my ability to conceive. I have already shared info on learning of my PCOS in a previous post. See post about living life with PCOS. Below is an excerpt.
“I can still recall the very day my OBGYN informed me that I had PCOS. After all, it was on my 26th birthday. The utterance of those words at the time felt like imprisonment. I did not fully understand the diagnosis and immediately sunk back in the chair fearing the worst. She explained that PCOS was not uncommon and was the cause of my irregular menstrual cycles. She also discussed that PCOS impacts the ability to conceive. Then there was the awkward stare we gave each other as I tried to make sense of what she was saying and showing me on the ultrasound.”
Fast forward a couple of years, (2012) when we decided to take more aggressive steps to conceive. The first course of action was to take a round of Clomid. So, I followed the instructions given to me by my new OBGYN (I had switched by this time due to the pessimistic nature of the previous OB) and prayed that I would conceive from the results of the medicine.
I was absolutely ecstatic the day I looked at the pregnancy test and finally saw a positive sign. Even though the line was faint, I was overjoyed. I was so excited that I took another the next day. To my surprise, the line on the test looked even fainter than the previous day. We went and bought two more boxes of tests because I was convinced that the tests were tainted. On the third day, I took the new tests one showed the word “pregnant” and the other was a faint line. I couldn’t wait to go to the OB to confirm pregnancy.
Then, it happened. Bleeding. I was told I was having a miscarriage. My joy had turned into immediate sorrow. It was the most awful feeling in the world. I no longer wanted to try again. The feeling of excitement and then sorrow was too much. I went through all the stages of grief. Everyone around me was getting pregnant. Friends who weren’t even trying to conceive were getting pregnant. While I was happy for them, I just felt like I couldn’t be as happy for them as I wanted. I longed for the very special gift that they were receiving. A sweet bundle of joy.
Read my part 2, Coping with Loss, Again.